Angry Bird
by GirlWhoLovesFanfiction
Summary: Alucard has a run-in with a very rude pet bird after a mission one night. T for language.


**A fun story idea that popped into my head. It only took a few minutes for me to write, but I found the idea immensely funny and I hope you guys enjoy.**

 **I will be updating** ** _The Man in Red_** **SOMETIME soon. I'm already about halfway done with the chapter, but I've got a lot of stuff going on right now. The update WILL HAPPEN. This, I promise you.**

"Master!" Seras Victoria cried, poking her head out of the bedroom door. They had only just completed their mission and killed off the vampire who had taken residence in a rather upscale apartment. It was one of the few missions they had that were relatively free of blood; there were no victims in the crime. The two had only to track him down after his recent killing spree and kill him in a secured location. As it turned out, his apartment was the perfect place. Alucard had made swift work of him, and now the two were simply lounging around, waiting for the troops to get there so that they could leave the mission site.

"What is it, Police Girl?" Alucard asked, striding down the hallway with a bag of medical blood in one hand.

Upon entering the bedroom, he noticed the large white cage resting near the closet in the corner. Within it was a small, blue and gray bird. Seras pointed at the bird, awe written all over the grin she was wearing. "It talks! Just when I came in here, he said hello!"

Alucard stared at the bird, who returned his gaze with beady black eyes. The bird said nothing. The vampire shook his head. "And I'm supposed to be impressed?"

"No, really, he did!" Seras took him by the hand end gently tried to drag him forward. He followed, if only to indulge himself because what she did amused him. "Look! Try to say something to him!"

Alucard turned his head to fully glare at her. "Police Girl. I am not going to try speaking with a bird."

She gave him a wide, puppy-dog-eyed pout. "Pleeease, Master? Just try saying hello!"

He eyed her for a moment longer, then released a heavy sigh. "Very well. I suppose there's nothing else better to do." Alucard turned back to the bird, who still stared at him, motionless. "Hello," he greeted.

The bird continued to say nothing.

He rolled his eyes. "Stupid creature. If you can talk, then talk."

After a full ten seconds of nothing happening, Alucard shook his head. "This is idiotic. I'm leaving. Maybe the bird's master keeps some spare blood lying around somewhere."

Just as he turned around to leave the room, he heard a very loud wolf-whistle at his backside. Alucard whipped around to look at Seras, whose face had flushed a brilliant scarlet. Alucard's eyes widened, and he wore a devious smirk. " _Police Girl_ ," he purred, "what do you think you're doing?"

"I-I-It wasn't me!" Seras shrieked, stabbing a finger in the bird's direction.

"Oh, really, now?"

"Yes! I didn't do it!"

"And isn't that convenient, that you can blame the bird that I have yet to see speak." Alucard chuckled lowly. "You know, that's a rather cowardly way to flirt with someone."

"Master!" Seras gasped, face growing about as red as her eyes. "I'm telling the truth! I didn't do it!"

"Oh, so it was you, then?" Alucard asked, turning to the bird mockingly.

" _I didn't do it! I didn't do it_!" the bird exclaimed, in an almost identical tone to Seras's frightened squeak.

There was a flash of disappointment that went across Alucard's face, though it wasn't too all-consuming. "Oh. So it was you, then." He sneered at the creature. "You do a very good impression of my fledgling," he complimented. Then, after giving Seras a humored look, he turned back around to leave again.

" _Hey bitch, where you goin'_?"

Alucard whipped around once again, mouth partially agape at the bird's audacity. " _What_?" he asked, dumbfounded.

Seras slapped a hand over her mouth to keep herself from laughing.

" _Hey, hey bitch, where you goin'? Polly want you, cracker!"_

Seras's shoulders began shuddering as she tried so desperately to keep from bursting into laughter. If she even let out the tiniest chuckle, it would never end, and the night would go very badly from there.

Alucard stared at the bird for a long moment, then seemed to decide against doing anything. "Well, it seems the vampire who trained you had a sense of humor." The vampire rolled his eyes. "You're just mindlessly replicating whatever he taught you. You're nothing but a pea-brained mimic."

" _Fuck you, old bastard!"_

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!"

The bird wildly flapped its wings at him and raised its neck hair in an effort to look bigger. " _Old bastard, fuck you!"_

"Fuck you, you stupid worm-eater!"

" _Fuck you!"_

"Fuck you!"

" _Fuck you!"_

"Fuck you!"

" _Fuck_ me _, bitch,"_ the bird returned, in an incredibly sultry tone for such an unwitting creature. " _Polly want you, cracker!"_

A high-pitched whine escaped Seras as she desperately tried to reign in her laughter.

Alucard let out a low growl, baring his teeth at the bird, then stopped himself. "Not worth it," he sighed. "I'm leaving."

" _Old bastard!"_

"Let's go, Police Girl. Try not to have an aneurism."

Alucard led Seras out of the room, who was currently in an all-consuming fit of laughter. He looked over his shoulder at the bird, who was now dancing around his cage, swinging his head side to side and hopping up and down.

He released Seras for one moment, approached the cage, and kicked it just enough so that it rattled violently. The bird squawked and flapped its wings wildly, trying to keep its place on its plastic wooden peg. Then, after it settled, it started cackling like a witch.

Alucard slammed the door behind him.


End file.
